Selves, Wolves

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Living alone, anxious, and between thin walls, you're used to the unease of strange nighttime sounds. Pipe water runs behind your headboard. Floorboards creak under midnight visitors. No pets allowed, but dogs would bark all the same. An apartment building symphony. You're just as used to ambient interruptions. Distant arguments, singing, car horns. But these are removed, muffled in concrete. Tonight, sounds are close. Loud enough to wake you up: the clumsy rustling of something lost. Hard to rationalize it as outside the room. You pull yourself from the pillow and push off the edge of the mattress, peeking around the screen dividing your bed from your kitchen. You can't quite see the couch, but you can see the [[light from the bathroom.]] "Carter?"

At twenty-four, you've been a woman for some years now. April, now, named for the month of your birth. More and more, you find that you can believe yourself, even if others don't. Two hours until he arrives, but the bus to the airport should only take one. You have time to get ready. In the mirror, it's [[your face]], [[your shoulders]], [[your hands]], [[your eyes]], [[your chest]] — your body turns to you. <<set $face to false>> <<set $shoulders to false>> <<set $hands to false>> <<set $youreyes to false>> <<set $chest to false>>

Sometimes, you see your face and surprise yourself with newfound cuteness. It's been years since you first noticed it, but the novelty of pride is still there. Today isn't one of those days. Really, most aren't. That you stayed up cleaning your apartment is plain in the shadows under your eyes. That you haven't shaved in a day is plain in shadows on your chin. You do your best to shake off [[the mirror.]] <<set $face to true>>

Old TVs consume rooms with high-pitched frequencies. You're reminded of this in moments where you hate yourself. You can hate yourself for being stuck in a room with a TV from thirty years ago just as easily as you can hate yourself for having man shoulders. Stuck no matter what. You know it's dys-something, irrational, but once you know you're irrational it's hard to be anything else. Who can you trust when you can't trust yourself? Facts as broad as bone, you hate that perception alone can make you hate at all. You do your best to shake off [[the mirror.]] <<set $shoulders to true>>

You learned to hate your hands from what you read online, adopted tools for scrutinizing knuckle size from those who did the same. This is something you don't admit to many people. You worry they'll make unlearning seem easier than it is. Your nails are uneven, a product of years of nervous biting. A bad habit, you know, but not one anyone ever explained out of you. The feeling of keratin giving way beneath your teeth never lost appeal. A necessary expulsion of energy, you figure. You do your best to shake off [[the mirror.]] <<set $hands to true>>

Is it true, and alright, that women can wish their breasts were bigger? You are a woman, you tell yourself, and you wish your breasts were bigger. So. The things you tell yourself struggle for confidence. If it must be said to make it true, then how could it be? One plus one is two. "I'm a woman, now." You do your best to shake off [[the mirror.]] <<set $chest to true>>

<b>You're chatting with a random stranger. Say Hi!</b> You both like furry. <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> <<linkappend "asfo?" t8n>> <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> 18 f bat bi ^.^ <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> 26 m tiger straight <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> how are you doing <<linkappend "this evening?" t8n>> <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> im okay, its late where i am so im kinda sleepy >.< <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> u? <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> *gestures to my massive cock* i'm horny >:) <<linkreplace "Stop" t8n>><<linkreplace "Really?" t8n>><b>You have disconnected.</b> [[New|internet2]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> <</linkappend>><</linkappend>>

Sixteen, gay, and confused, you spend your evenings lying on [[the internet.]]

<b>You're chatting with a random stranger. Say Hi!</b> You both like furry. <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> hi! <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Hey <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> how are u? <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> I've been kind of having <<linkappend "a day" t8n>> <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> a day? <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Like in a bad way <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> oh man, im sorry :( <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Eh, it's whatever <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> <<linkappend "Asfo, btw?" t8n>> <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> oh uh, 22 f bat bi <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> 19 m bull straight <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> ref: [[https://pawhost.org/r7ygl2|bull ref]] <</linkappend>><</linkappend>>

<b>You're chatting with a random stranger. Say Hi!</b> We couldn't find anyone who shares interests with you, so we matched you with a random stranger. Try adding more interests! <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> my name is marie, i am 18 <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> do u want pics of me? <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> please click! girl-camss.com/XyP84il <<linkreplace "Stop" t8n>><<linkreplace "Really?" t8n>><b>You have disconnected.</b> [[New|interlude]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>

<b>You're chatting with a random stranger. Say Hi!</b> You both like furry. <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> hi ^.^ <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Howdy <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> how are u? <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> I'm good! <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> <<linkappend "You?" t8n>> <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> im okay <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> tired lol <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> im on cst so its like <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> almost 2am <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> That's rough <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> What're you on here for? <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> just for someone to talk to or maybe rp with <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> lots of creeps on here though ;-; <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Oof yeah people on here can be [[weird|internet5]]<</linkappend>>

<span class="ome-blue">You:</span> it *is* the furry tag i guess lol <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Lmao yeah <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Speaking of, <<linkappend "asfo?" t8n>> <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> lol <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> 22 f bat bi <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> u? <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> [[17|internet6]] M wolf gay <</linkappend>>

<span class="ome-blue">You:</span> oh uh <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> im actually 16 <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> lots of adults leave when i say that though <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> or their weird to me <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Ah yeah I get that <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> *theyre <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Most people get on here for the same reasons lol, but I'm gay and <<linkappend "you're a girl lmao" t8n>> <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> yeah lol <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> u seem cool tho <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> You do too!! <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Would you wanna [[keep talking somewhere else?|internet7]] Like some other app or something <</linkappend>>

<span class="ome-blue">You:</span> oh sure <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> im coconutfactoryy#0903 on discord? <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> Sick I'll add you! <span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> My un is kinda silly, blazewolf222 lmao <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> i got ur message! <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> ill see you on there i guess 0_0 <<linkreplace "Stop" t8n>>[[Really?]]<</linkreplace>>

You've seen enough pictures of muscular animal men to know the score at this point, but you think this may be the first bull. Your screen flashes dark with the imageboard. Why do sites like this feel the need to look suspicious? The bull is the same type of salacious they all are. He's cut, shirtless, and his shorts are tighter than they should be. Black fur and red eyes, the exact kind of badass that Omegle men find cool. The talent of the artist is obvious. Enough, you decide. You close [[the tab.|internet2.5]]

<span class="ome-red">Stranger:</span> You got ref? <span class="ome-blue">You:</span> no sorry <b>Stranger has disconnected.</b> [[New|internet3]]

You've always liked the color of your eyes, but you can't look at them without the rest of you. "Windows to the soul", or whatever, there was something there that was more you than your limbs or your tongue. A friend once described the sensation of getting-outside-yourself through a self-staring contest. There's no way to win a game like that, yourself the object of reflection. Still, you find yourself compelled to play more often than you'd like to admit. At least, then, the spiral was your choice. You do your best to shake off [[the mirror.]] <<set $youreyes to true>>

You always try to dress for yourself, but you never do. Today, you're dressing for Carter. Internet friends have an anticipation to them; if you dress cool enough, there's one less thing to worry about. It isn't enough for him to have asked to see you. There's still something, you feel, to prove. You don't dress, however, such that you could be noticed on the bus. It won't be crowded, not in the afternoon, but you know from watching passengers yourself that people do, indeed, watch. You try not to give them a reason. Loose black jeans, a belt with more holes than necessary, and a shirt for some furry hyperpop thing you knew he liked. It pains you to forego a beanie, but summertime calls. You sit in the back of the bus. There's no need to sit near the doors when your stop is so far off. [[An older man]] sits next to his groceries close behind the driver, your lone companion at the start. Along the way, [[a pack of teenagers]] get on, make noise. [[A woman]] talks loudly towards nothing. Between starts and stops, you notice passengers sway like ocean documentary kelp. <<set $oldman to false>> <<set $teens to false>> <<set $woman to false>>

Old people are a constant on public transportation, especially for you, someone who freelances and so has no consistent hours. Daytime creatures. It's possible you've seen this old man before. Much of the elderly busgoing population is habitual, riding at the same times every day for years. You wonder if your busmate has been going to his grocery store for just as long. Even his shopping list could be the same. Maybe you'll have these habits, too, when you're old. Before you know it, you're at [[the airport.]] <<set $oldman to true>>

It's someone's birthday, or at least one of these kids is wearing a birthday hat. It could be some trend you missed, but you think that's unlikely with the amount of time you spend online. Since when did kids get so loud? They get off somewhere downtown. A bunch of them yell "thank you" towards the bus driver. Maybe you shouldn't be too hard on them. Before you know it, you're at [[the airport.]] <<set $teens to true>>

Sea of a crowd — the hazed confusion of airports is inescapable. Straight lines to get lost in, you're thankful you're only here to find your friend. On the bus ride over, you had the foresight to ask [[what he'd been wearing.]]

Standing up, it's clear that Carter is no longer on the couch. In the bathroom, then, you think. But there's [[a shadow]] in the bathroom door. Large, and decidedly un-Carter.

From the bathroom: inhuman noises. Something hard tapping against stainless steel. Soft whimpering. The shadow takes on definition: elbows bent thinly and closely, and a long tail draped towards the floor. A trick of walls and doors keeps you from seeing it all, but you already know it can't be human. Approaching, you discover a dog appraising itself in the mirror. Paws up and resting on the edge of the sink, like it's about to ask for something. You stop; what was a dog at first is now clearly a wolf. With a clear object of fear, your body knows to tense itself. You see its face in the mirror: [[grey]], with slanted snout and yellow [[eyes.]] Reflected, [[you]] are there, too. <<set $grey to false>> <<set $eyes to false>> <<set $you to false>>

You count quickly the times you've given a stranger a way to contact you, then count the same number of regrets. But it's late. Curled in bed, phone on your chest, and happy you're believed, you don't take the time to wonder if you've made a mistake. The screen goes black. You can see your outline in the glass. Teenaged, boyish, and wishing you were neither. The [[insides of your eyelids|tomorrow]] let hallway light through, red.

<div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 2:37 AM</span></div>Hey! <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 9:03 AM</span></div>hi! sorry for not responding i [[got sleepy|tomorrow2]]

The wolf is the color of stormclouds and smoke. Its fur ruffled, you remember reading that wolves can have manes, too. The fur in its neck shifts with steps, twisting towards you. Firm and fearful heartbeat drives blood under skin, turns you pink. Does [[the wolf|Pushed away]] consider your colors, too? <<set $grey to true>>

Your father once told you that dogs don't cry, but you were sure of the tears in your beagle's eyes. "That's how they keep their eyes clean," he said. If you hadn't known this, if you didn't know better, you might think that this wolf is crying. It seems painterly, and the mirror makes it a solemn portrait. It turns to you. Suddenly, it's not alone, and, suddenly, you both know this. Pupils wide — just as suddenly, you are together. And there is [[a wolf|Pushed away]] in your home. <<set $eyes to true>>

You catch yourself in the mirrored doorframe, appearing small past the animal before you. You realize your pajamas don't fit before you think such a thought is ill-timed. It might be more fitting to note the wolf's ears, relaxed, you think. Too quickly, the wolf notices mirror-you, and turns to you-you. Eyes wide, pupils big. Now you are real with [[it.|Pushed away]] <<set $you to true>>

Its paws drop from the sink with a thunk and slink slowly but surely to you. Paw and paw after paw and paw. Your feet slide backwards, match its pace. Step after paw after step. You know there is only so much apartment, but this does not stop your moving. Paw after step after paw, up against the wall. You put your hands out to stop it. Palms open, eyes closed. Fingers curled. You make them claws. The familiar wetness of animal nose brushes your hands before it shoves them aside. Refusal. You hear footsteps make distance, thuds directed towards the other wall. Safely separate, you feel comfortable opening your eyes. The wolf's tail swings in time with steps. The intensity of expected death behind you, you think again of Carter. Whatever remains must be the truth: [[this wolf]], now kneading the bathroom carpet with his front paws, must be Carter.

<div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 3:14 PM</span></div>hey what r u wearing? not in a phone sex way lol <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 3:17 PM</span></div>oh wait ur on a plane and can't text back nvm lol <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 3:20 PM</span></div>Oh I actually do have wifi In-flight Kinda nuts We're living in the future fr I have an [[orange hoodie]] on? That's probably the most identifiable thing about me <<set $orangeVisits to 0>> <<set $orange1 to false>> <<set $orange2 to false>> <<set $orange3 to false>> <<set $orange4 to false>>

<<if $orangeVisits == 0>>At five minutes past 4PM, you look up from your phone to find him. <<elseif $orangeVisits == 1>>At six minutes past 4PM, you wonder if you should have worn your glasses today. <<elseif $orangeVisits == 2>>At seven minutes past 4PM, you tap your foot to stay in the moment. <<elseif $orangeVisits == 3>>At eight minutes past 4PM, you start to question if you ever knew the color orange. <<elseif $orangeVisits >= 4>>At nine minutes past 4PM, you notice the buzzing of [[your phone.]]<</if>> In the crowd, there's <<if $orange1 == false>>[[orange|orange1]]<<else>> orange<</if>>, <<if $orange2 == false>>[[orange|orange2]]<<else>> orange<</if>>, <<if $orange3 == false>>[[orange|orange3]]<<else>> orange<</if>>, <<if $orange4 == false>>[[orange.|orange4]]<<else>> orange.<</if>>

You follow signs for coffee shops and watch for waving hands, wondering why airports never seem to have maps. [[Your phone]], again.

<div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 4:14 PM</span></div>My arm got tired T_T The shop has a yellow sign that says [[Coffee Shop]]...kind of a suspicious name lol

Stepping between your phone and the airport, you look for a yellow sign and an orange man. He's a dental hygienist, you remember, and you forgot to floss your teeth this morning. Is that something someone can notice? If they're a professional. "Coffee Shop", written in serif capitals, giving off the soft glow of tube lights through plastic. Under the "C", a pillar, and next to the pillar, an orange bag of a garment over a slim frame. The moment thrills. It can't be anyone but Carter — you would have noticed another store this bland, and another hoodie this bright. Still, your heart beats like you're about to approach a stranger. "Hi, um, Carter?" He looks back at you and smiles. "Oh! April?" "Yeah." He smiles again, bigger. [[White teeth.]] "It's nice to see you!"

Sitting next to someone, you are aware of how they move without looking at them. You feel his arms crossed beside you through your glanced shoulders, his eyes fixed on the rolling bag pinned between his legs. It's hard to know how to talk to friends in the presence of strangers. Luckily, you'd saved your best questions. "So, what brings you to Chicago?" Carter looks up from pondering his knees. "My, um, boyfriend lives in Rockford, so that's why I'm in Illinois," he pulls his backpack to his chest and his mouth makes a shape betraying it might be love. "As for Chicago, this was the cheapest airport. And, also, you're here!" "Long distance, huh? Have you met before?" Carter shakes his head. His hair shags a second behind his nose. "Nope. But we've been dating for three months online." "Oh. Gay shit." "Yeah dude. [[Gay shit.]]" The road swings in space between the heads of sitting strangers.

Your keys make metal noise as you slide them back into your pocket. Next to Carter, you wonder for the first time how your keychain got so cluttered when you only live here. "So, this is my place." You open the door and gesture like a magician, rehearsed, head bowed. "After you." He catches on awkwardly, and claps. "Thank you, thank you. I'm [[excited to be here.]]" Your studio isn't much, and even less to share, but you're happy all the same for a visitor. Shuffling through the two-foot gap between your couch and desk, you turn around. "Here are your accommodations. Um," you grab a pillow from your bed, crudely divided from the rest of the room by a folding wall, and toss it onto the couch. "Are you hungry?" "[[Absolutely.]]" <<set $excited to false>> <<set $absolutely to false>>

Tension runs through you to the bathroom door. Take care to keep noise low. Carter wouldn't eat you, at least not normally, but there's no harm in keeping things easy. And calm. You sit on the couch, lowering yourself with a palm on the left side armrest. Seated, you pat the cushion in a rhythm of nines. A habit you picked up from time spent with an ex-girlfriend's cat. "Hey, Carter? Do you want to come out here?" Your register slips sweet, a type of voice reserved for animals and small cousins. He perks up at the name. Surprised to be recognized, maybe. "It's okay. I promise." He pushes up and shakes his shoulders, barking once on the fourth beat of your rhythm. [[Long nails]] on polypropylene fibers stop just short of clicks. He shags towards the couch.

Is it weird to want to pet your friend? If he's a dog, and that dog is a wolf, but that wolf is a person. If there weren't a person in there: no hesitation. In difference, you find more difference. All but indifferent. He falls asleep next to you, after you put something on the TV. Constructed normalcy. You've thought before that love is to sit quiet and comfy in a room with another being. In his sleep, you get your first good look at him. As good a look as you can get in the shifting light of action movie television, anyways. His [[fur|fur.]] is matted, dark around his eyes. His size was obvious from your encounter, but even more apparent now, taking up enough of your couch for you to need to curl up against the armrest. His [[ears|ears.]] point up while sleeping, too. Ready for something. He lays with his [[paws|paws.]] crossed, claws sharp. Dogs never look comfortable when they sleep — they don't have the bodies for it. Crumpled aside with legs straight, head not quite flat to the ground. At least, you were never a side sleeper. <<set $fur to false>> <<set $ears to false>> <<set $paws to false>>

Fur on most animals reminds you of brushstrokes down their back. This wolf is impressionist, messier to your eye but just as deep. Something in you twitches your hand. You wished that you could pull out the mats for him, something to make it easier. Were those tears in his eyes, in the mirror? <<if $ears is true and $paws is true>> There must be something wrong with you. The sun is rising. You know you should go to [[bed.]] <<elseif $ears is true>> Lingering in the hum of the TV: his [[paws.]] <<elseif $paws is true>> Lingering in the hum of the TV: his [[ears.]] <<else>> Lingering in the hum of the TV: his [[ears|ears.]], his [[paws.]]<</if>> <<set $fur to true>>

Ears are to dogs what hair is to humans. At least, you think so. For the first time, you see that one of his ears flops slightly lower than the other. A young man's haircut, almost groomed. You stop yourself from reaching out to fix it for him. <<if $fur is true and $paws is true>> There must be something wrong with you. The sun is rising. You know you should go to [[bed.]] <<elseif $fur is true>> Lingering in the noise of the TV: his [[paws.]] <<elseif $paws is true>> Lingering in the noise of the TV: his [[fur.]] <<else>> Lingering in the noise of the TV: his [[fur|fur.]], his [[paws.]]<</if>> <<set $ears to true>>

Paw beans are so frequently abstracted in drawing that seeing them real is always a surprise. Through either socially-engineered desire, or lizard-brained instinct, your nerves itch to poke them. <<if $ears is true and $fur is true>> There must be something wrong with you. The sun is rising. You know you should go to [[bed.]] <<elseif $fur is true>> Lingering in the reds, greens, and blues of the TV: his [[ears.]] <<elseif $ears is true>> Lingering in the reds, greens, and blues of the TV: his [[fur.]] <<else>> Lingering in the reds, greens, and blues of the TV: his [[fur|fur.]], his [[ears.]]<</if>> <<set $paws to true>>

Dog snores take you to sleep like car engine whirs. When you wake, the sky is setting. This would feel normal if the sun hadn't been rising when you fell asleep. Groggy, you repeat your wakeup from just hours before. Part of you is sure you'd dreamed, that the wolf didn't appear in your house. But you remember a movie in full, flashing colors — shocking clarity for a dream. That part of you wasn't sure, but wishing. You peek, again, around the screen dividing your bed from your kitchen. You can't quite see [[the couch.]]

<div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 4:09 PM</span></div>Hey I'm by an elevator. There's a [[coffee shop]] here too I'm just gonna stand here and constantly wave

In the early summer, you wish petals would float by your window the way that leaves do in the fall. Anything to tell you that days are passing. The sun peers through the blinds. It's time to get up, midday, but lethargy keeps you. A full-length mirror leans on an accordion divider you use to pretend your studio apartment is a house. Morning shambles, constructed from tired bones: you take stock of you. [[Your reflection.|Mirror]]

An orange windbreaker, a child, streaks by, mother barreling behind. You know Carter is older than seven and wouldn't bring his mother, so you turn your attention back to [[the crowd.|orange hoodie]] <<set $orangeVisits += 1>> <<set $orange1 to true>>

A woman in an orange safety vest passes on one of those cars they drive around the airport. You wonder for the first time what they're for before turning your attention back to [[the crowd.|orange hoodie]] <<set $orangeVisits += 1>> <<set $orange2 to true>>

You think about the color orange, and if the fruit came before or after the word. Orange, noun. The fruit, the color between red and yellow. Or-ange. Adjective. Being of the hue between yellow and red. You put your spelling bee days behind you, and sift through [[the crowd.|orange hoodie]] <<set $orangeVisits += 1>> <<set $orange3 to true>>

Blues and greys and greens and whites and reds and blacks fill the space between hands, faces, and the occasional shorts-framed legs. But still, no orange. You understand why the colors are so normal. The airport is the last place you'd dress garish. You wonder if you're even looking at the right [[crowd.|orange hoodie]] <<set $orangeVisits += 1>> <<set $orange4 to true>>

You remember the bus schedule. "I think the bus is coming soon. Can we walk?" "Definitely!" He blinks, and grins distinct from his previous smile. "Cool shirt." "Thanks," and you blink, too. "We should go." Ahead, a sign: a silhouette of a bus and [[an arrow.|The Bus]] A moment to notice that he's already started walking.

On the train in the night time dark, you see reflections of you and Carter in the window opposite your seating. Soft rain touches the sides of the car, makes drum noises. Next to Carter, you're aware of how he leans aside asleep. It's clear in the reflection, a picture with just two subjects, and clear in the pressure of a person against your arm. Online conversations have different friction. Without presence, there is no expectation of speech, and so silence can be default. Talking can be eventuality, rather than necessity. Face-to-face silence is heavy with gaps between speakers who can't find words. But here, now, there is purposeful, comfortable, shared quiet. Train tracks move underfoot, and you shake. City lights fly past [[your reflected ghosts.|The End 3]]

<div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">02/16/16 at 8:27PM </span></div>Just got [[home|HeadingHome]] from work Cold as shit outside today, I almost slipped on a puddle <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">12/16/16 at 8:37PM</span></div>how cold was it ? <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">02/16/16 at 8:38PM </span></div>28 <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">12/16/16 at 8:40PM</span></div>you *cannot* tell me 28 degrees is getting to you like this lmaoo its like 8 out for me lol <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">02/16/16 at 8:40PM </span></div>Wait where do you even live Have we never talked about that?!! <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">12/16/16 at 8:40PM</span></div>oh lol im from chicago <<set $here to true>>

<div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">06/17/2019 at 11:03 PM</span></div>i told my dad today it went okay i think <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">06/17/2019 at 11:12 PM</span></div>i don't think he gets it though thinking about what he said ugh cvkvmdfgneuiogne <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">06/18/2019 at 12:23 AM</span></div>and now I cant sleeppp idk if this is regret or what but i feel awful sorry for messaging so much <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">06/18/2019 at 1:26 AM</span></div>Sorry sorry I was out and didn't see! I guess it's good that it went okay? What did he say? I'm sorry it didn't go better :/ <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">06/18/2019 at 1:27 AM</span></div>i mean he didnt kick me out or anything so maybe i shouldnt complain but i think he thinks im just gay or something?? he told me this weird story about his childhood friend who has a husband and then said something about how i shouldnt tell the neighbors i just watched like 7 episodes of lucky star lmao fucking hate living at [[home|the house]]

Through the divider between the bed and the kitchen, you hear sizzling. Your nose wakes up later than the rest of you — eggs. Stepping out, you see Carter, a human, over the stove. Butter, carton, and salt about. You stop short of speaking first, and hover. The moment where speaking would have been normal slips past your wondering. What is there to say? Too late. He turns to face you. "Oh," deer caught in headlights, "hey April." He takes a second to glance back to the stove, like something might be burning. "Good, uh, morning." "Good morning." The hard things elude you. Steam and sizzle on the stove, Carter turns around. "How do you like your eggs?" He turns, again, back to you. Feet unsure where to stand. "And sorry for not asking first." You shake your head. "You're good. Thanks for making food." "And your eggs?" "Over easy, sorry." Mundane, though you know you both left things unsaid. Soon enough, you're at the counter and are passed a plate. Two [[beautiful eggs.]]

<div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">03/28/2024 at 1:47 PM</span></div>Hey! Long time no see I'm gonna be in your city soon (still Chicago, right?) I'm doing a visit to IL, could I stay with you for maybe a day or two? Totally cool if not! <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">03/28/2024 at 8:33 PM</span></div>oh geez it really has been a long time hasnt it! um, yeah ofc you can stay here if youre ok sleeping on my couch then yes 😅 itd be really good to see you <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">03/28/2024 at 2:07 PM</span></div>Yes!! I promise I'll make you [[food|restaurant]] or something <<set $excited to true>>

Over burgers and fries, under heat-lamp-like fast-food fluorescence, you work up the courage to say something about expectations. Eight years of talking, on and off, but Carter still found ways to surprise you. "I didn't expect you to be so tall, you know," you say like he would. "You always drew your [['sonas]] so short." You hope he knows you're poking fun. "Really? I haven't thought about that in a while." Speech slobbered through a mouthful of food, he puts his sandwich down to shake his hands, dashes away some invisible grime. Food pushed by a tongue, a bulge in his left cheek. "Am I really //so// tall?" "Yeah, man. //So//." And he laughs, and swallows. Food fills gaps in conversation. Silence is salient between bites, saliva. Fleeting worries that Carter might not like the physical you — you catch yourself laughing a lot, [[stumbling|here]] through inflated conversation. <<set $here to false>> <<set $sona to false>>

<div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">01/14/2020 at 5:43 PM</span></div>I'm actually pretty good at cooking, not to brag or anything <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">01/14/2020 at 6:07 PM</span></div>lol im so bad 💀💀 i usually burn myself on appliances <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">01/14/2020 at 6:14 PM</span></div>No appreciation for the craft! <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">01/14/2020 at 6:15 PM</span></div>listen listen i appreciate food plenty when its [[in my mouth|restaurant]] lol <<set $absolutely to true>>

Carter eats his sunny side up. He pushes the side of his fork down the radius of the yolk, letting sunrise yellow spill over. These motions are acute to you. Eyes set on any sign that you can talk about the wolf. Your approach to your eggs is informed by his. Fork on its side, down the radius. Metal on fried whites recalls ice on glass, clearly heard over your discussion of nothing. "So," you pause — in moments like these, you can feel your heart regret that you're speaking your mind — then start again, "Is that why your, uh, fursona is a wolf? Because...?" Stainless steel hits ceramic; his fork is down and he takes time to finish chewing, hand over mouth. "Um, no..." He puts his hand down, rubbing his middle and ring fingers on the palmspace below his thumb. Circles. "Do you remember [[when I went to the ER?]] Like four years ago. I got bit."

You remember your first impression of the wolf, someone who existed in a mirror before growing present. <<if $grey is true>>His fur reminded you of the ethereal greys of clouds and smoke, but only now do you think of him as something solid, like stone.<</if>><<if $eyes is true>>You remember how he looked at himself, but only in retrospect do you notice that his eyes are the same deep brown as Carter's.<</if>><<if $you is true>>You feel vain for noticing yourself in the mirror last night. He was your guest, after all. But he made himself known quickly.<</if>> With every last-night thought, Carter and the wolf pass into each other and become more the same. You regret ever being scared of him — a wolf who, in his mid-evening morning, only wanted to make you eggs. You watch him sleep. Cheekflesh soft against your shoulder, pressed up towards his eye. You want to tell him that it isn't fair, but you know he'll be okay. And you hope he knows in eyes, in hearts: much love, much love, much love. [[Begin again.|Title]] <<set $end to true>>

<div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">09/22/2019 at 9:44 PM</span></div>hey! hows it going? <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">09/23/2019 at 2:02 PM</span></div>sorry for going mia ive been in the er im okay and everything but I just cuoldnt use my pho ne typing with oen hand rn sorry for rypos <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">09/23/2019 at 11:32 PM</span></div>wait omg do not be sorry! are you okay???? <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">09/23/2019 at 2:02 PM</span></div>no yeah iam dont worry! i got bit by some animal which sounds bad but [[im actually ok i promise]] my parents are freaking otu but the doctors are sayingn ill be ok since we csught it fast theyre driving in fromboise tonight

"Ever since then...well, you know." You follow Carter's eyes down to his yolk, leaking, pooling, half-eaten. "I'd wake up with my sheets all torn up, or halfway across my bedroom in a nest of clothes. I don't know. Part of me thinks I sound crazy but I also know you saw it too. And, um, no one else knows, I don't think. You're the only one who's seen it." Unsure what to say, you watch him eat. Small bites, like he's full already. "I'm just not sure what, like, there is to do about it, you know? It's not like I'm hurting people when it happens. It just makes me feel wrong." He chuckles the way you do when someone asks you questions you don't expect. "I don't know why it's so easy to tell you this. I'm sorry." There's a look people get when they want to stop talking but can't. You know it in the muscles on your face, and see it in [[small wrinkles]] around Carter's eyes. You stop yourself from saying you know what it's like but you take it to heart that you do.

You dare to speak. "It doesn't sound easy." "It's, um, not," he laughs more. "It's not. But it's not hurting anyone else and it's not hurting me so what does it matter, right?" "Of course it matters." You sound clinical, and hate yourself for it. You don't mean to dissect his words for the "right" thing to say. "I don't like being somewhere between me and not-me. I can't control it." You know this feeling, measuring the distance between you and not-you in years and days. He reaches over to your plate, half an egg still uneaten. "Can I take this for you?" Something about this conversation is done. Your hand goes through the motions of normalcy, even though you want [[more egg.]]

You move to help him clean the kitchen. "Where does this—?" "Right cabinet, above the sink." Like nothing had ever happened. From the way Carter looks so intently at his hands scrubbing plates, you know he doesn't want to look at you. You know just the same that his aversion comes from worry. Worry about the wolf, worry about what it changes for your image of him. Clear in the pronunciation of tendons on the backs of his hands, tense. You hate the weight of inability to meet others' eyes, but you hate just as much the idea of showing Carter that you see him. You know well the fear of being looked at, vulnerable. Like a sheep unguarded. You'd much rather he know that you still care. That you worry. "What if we went somewhere?" you offer. He's shaking his hands in the air, wicking water to the floor. "Yes, I'd like that." And you're out [[the door|The End 1]] again.

You worry she's talking to you, at first — speech pointed and eyes committed to something invisible — but then you notice white plastic in her ears. People who can bring themselves to talk on the phone in public are brave enough, but to do so without the universal sign of a phone to an ear enshrines that bravery in heaven. Right next to Hercules and the troops. "I am going to hit this boy with my car. I'm serious." Emphasis on 'hit' and 'car', you feel like you shouldn't be hearing this conversation. Before you know it, you're at [[the airport.]] <<set $woman to true>>

After eating, you spend a short while looking around your neighborhood. A gallery of unlit neon in closed storefronts. Street signs with inconsistent capitalization. The sleepless day catches up to Carter, and then to you. Out the door, down the street, door and door and [[the bed.]] "Goodnight." "G'night."

<div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">1/19/16 at 3:19PM</span></div>my neighbor keeps this like crazy bat [[house|HeadingHome]] thing outside its kinda scary they all come out of it at once <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">1/19/16 at 12:01PM </span></div>Wait so why is your fursona a bat if you think bats are scary? <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">1/19/16 at 3:19PM</span></div>its bc theyre scary that my sonas a bat lol scary and cute fangs! they keep their babies in pouches!! <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">1/19/16 at 4:47PM </span></div>Okay :p <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">1/19/16 at 4:47PM</span></div>why a wolf then?!! if you wanna be sassy about it lol <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">1/19/16 at 4:48PM </span></div>Wolves are badass! 🐺 <<set $sona to true>>

Carter's snores come fast. You spend ten minutes waiting for this, never able to fall asleep without a glass of water but wary of crossing to the couch side of the room to a sink. After all, for tonight, the couch side is Carter's side. You've always had a thing for personal space — yours or others'. From the sink, you can see him. You know he's not a stranger, technically. He is, however, strange in your home. So used to living alone, maybe anyone would be so strange. You hope this is true, wanting badly for online friendship to be real. His breathing grows and shrinks the white blanket. One after the other. Taking care to sip quietly, you finish your drink and get into bed. You drift to [[sleep.|WokenUp]]

Overnight, you'd forgotten there were other people in the world besides you and Carter. Stepping outside, directionless and hoping for train-shaped solutions, the truth of other people is clear. Suddenly you think of more to say. "Have you told your boyfriend?" you pause but realize, "I'm not sure I ever got his name." Carter stops on the stairs that climb to the platform. He's slightly ahead of you, one foot two steps ahead, the other three. Staggered in the muted glow of old bulbs. "His name is Clay." "And have you told him?" "I'll think about that tomorrow." The platform is just past the turnstile. You stop behind the yellow line, a place you shouldn't stand. Safety first. "I, um, think I might nap on the train. If that's okay." "Yeah." You look up the tracks, and wish you could see [[two lights on the rails.|The End 2]]

Between disconnections you sit in precious, reflective seconds. You wait with bitterness borne of robots and too-forward strangers. You know it's bad, but you can't pull away from chat rooms. Trying to build yourself somewhere between real and unreal. At the hands of strange internet men, you're a girl. You don't know that this is what drives you. [[New text|internet4]] flickers on the screen.

<div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 10:17AM</span></div>No worries! I thought for a sec you might have dodged me though, I'm glad you didn't I just realized we didn't do names! I'm Carter <div class="discord"><b>coconutfactoryy</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 10:20 AM</span></div>oh you can call me April carter is a nice name! <div class="discord"><b>blazewolf222</b> <span style="font-size:12px">Today at 10:20AM</span></div>I think April is a nice name, [[too! :)|:)]]

<center><i>When I started writing this story, it was something completely different. A murder mystery: the death of an online friend with supernatural connections. I thought it was sad for the main character to never meet her friend in person. This is how “Selves, Wolves” took shape. Thank you to everyone who read this story and helped me make it better. Thank you, reader, for reading. And thank you, of course, to April and Carter, who fought very hard to make it onto the page. </i> [[Back|Title]]</center>